I feel so fortunate that motherhood came almost naturally for me. Prior to falling pregnant with Kenzie, Ramon and I were in the process of adoption and were already mentally prepared to be parents to a child (no matter what age). When we found out we were pregnant, I did prepare by reading anything and everything under the sun about pregnancy and how to raise a child.
In Australia, the support network provided by the government is second to none and it has dawned on me that not every mother has that bond or motherly instinct. You have that initial interview at the hospital to check on your home situation, mental stability and support network and you are provided with journals, books, flyers and contact numbers. With every midwife appointment your wellbeing (physical and mental) is checked and more and more information for your pregnancy, birth and after birth is provided. Then, after birth you are supported with visiting nurses, midwives and GPs who check your physical recovery and mental stability and again you are provided with more books, flyers, contact numbers and enrolled in support/mother groups. With all this support and information given to us, I’ve come to realise that not all mothers and fathers cope the same and really struggle with parenthood and don’t have any support.
Parenthood definitely tests every single boundary and challenges every single part of you and I’m so fortunate to have the best support network around me. Kenzie has already got me questioning myself. Am I doing holding you right? Are you feeding her enough? Should I be doing this and that? Is that supposed to happen? etc and I have been googling every single day about newborns and their actions. No matter how often your midwife, nurse or GP tells you that you are doing a good job and that Kenzie is healthy, you can’t help but think if there is something more you can do for her.
Motherhood has been incredible. The bond you build with your child is indescribable. You realise just how much your baby needs you, they can’t survive on their own. You realise just how much you need them, your body has changed to ensure you provide everything you can for you child.
I have become a light sleeper so that I can hear her cries. My breasts give me cues as to when she is hungry and needs to feed. My body stores fat so that I can produce as much milk for her as I can. My instincts have become sharp so that my daughter and I can understand each other with each grunt, cry and moan.
Motherhood so far has been extremely fulfilling. I feel defeated so many times and understand why some people don’t have the strength and end up walking away from it all. What gets me through is seeing her development. When she looks at me and follows my voice and concentrates on my face. When she smiles at me and pulls the funniest facial expressions. When she pushes herself up with her strong legs and arms. When she’s sleeping so peacefully and content. And most importantly, when I see myself and Ramon in her. It’s frightening to see so much resemblance of the two of us in her. I see so much of myself in her it’s hauntingly beautifully.
I need her as much as she needs me.
I hope this dynamic never changes.
She has already changed me in more ways than I could ever imagine.